So I went to see the newest installment of spiderman today. I'm wondering why they would think that 2 1/2 hours was the appropriate amount of time for this movie. Naughty, bad movie guys. Here's how the movie goes down:
Peter Parker aka PP and spiderman and MJ are in love. He spins her a really big web on top of the trees so they can look at the stars together. They are so totally into making out on top of the sticky goo that spiderman extruded that they don't notice that something has crashed to the earth about 20 yards to their left. We zoom in on the crashed, glowy thing and something black and kind of oozy kind of does a slinky toy walk to PP and MJ as they're getting ready to leave by riding on his motor scooter. The oozy thing hitches a ride on the back of pp's license plate. We know that this isn't a good thing because the music tells us so. This is the introduction of the "pp and mj are totally in love" plot and the "hmm something dark and sinister how spine-tingly" plot.
Now there’s a guy in an orange jumpsuit running down a dark NYC alleyway. Choice of clothing indicates that he is either an escape prisoner, or that his “queer eye” makeover just didn’t take. The cops are searching down the alley, but they don’t see him when their light scans over him (side note: our villain has really blue eyes). The cops drive away and our villain, realizing that cops don’t use side or rear view mirrors for anything other than decoration is able to pop out of his hidey hole and look them right in the eye (or where their eyes would be if they ever used a gd mirror) and walk away meaningfully. He has a daughter, and an ex wife who hates him for going to jail and she also doesn’t know if he in fact did kill a man or if it’s all rumor.
He did in fact kill a man. Not just any man, but pp’s uncle ben. I’m going out of sequence here, but pp finds out that this guy is on the loose and that he killed his uncle and thanks to the goo which makes him into a bigger, badder, less congenial spiderman he is going to get his revenge on. I did go out of order here, this doesn’t happen until the 1/3 mark of the movie.
So, jumpsuit guys is running from the cops again. He climbs a fence that says something along the lines of “don’t enter here we’re fudging around with molecular biology and we’ll probably scramble your genetic code up and you’ll somehow become a sand creature, but you’re able to look human, and when you are human you get to have clothes, even though you’re just made of sand, and even though you’re sand somehow you’ll always have the locket that your disabled, terminally ill daughter (the reason you’ve been stealing money in the past and will again in the future) gave you in a touching moment. Do not enter”. Since he didn’t pay attention to the sign he becomes a sand creature and tries to steal more money so he can find a cure for whatever it is his ailing daughter has. SM want to stop him.
Goblin jr. is still convinced that sm killed his dad so he’s all crazy mad scientist pissed off, but after sm knocks him out and brings him to the hospital he gets selective amnesia. He eventually gets his memory back, tries to kill sm again, but his butler tells him that he didn’t kill his father so he has to help sm, but he ends up dying for sm/pp and mj in the end.
Stan Lee does a cameo
I'm getting really bored all over again just writing this shit. Can't keep eyes open. Will finish it up tomorrow.
It's tomorrow now.
The black goo makes pp style his hair badly, do a dance montage that's supposed to be funny but really just makes you question how someone with even a shred of dignity would agree to do this. Oh wait a minute. Money. Mystery solved. Since he was already getting a swelled head the goo just enhances it and now his ego can barely be contained. He struts around, goes from about to ask MJ to marry him to breaking up and hitting her across the face. It's her fault though because he was just kind of flailing his arms around and she got her face in the way of his rage.
There's a new freelance photo guy at the daily bugle and he and pp are both in competition for the one photo staff job available. The new guy gets a pic of black suit spidey doing something bad which gets printed front page. The next day pp shows everyone that the photo is a fake and the other kid gets fired. He's in church and prays that God will just do one thing for him and kill pp. In a really crappy scene the goo transfers from sm to photo guy and he becomes like a bigger even badder sm but he has really jagged teeth and screeches a little bit like Gollum when he's being led through the craggy rocks. Side note: it burns us precious, it burns!
Lessons learned in the movie are
1. it's okay to do something really shitty if you're doing it for your daughter.
2. God (Christian God) will help you find a way to kill someone who told the truth.
3. Just being in a church can exorcise your demons
4. One man doesn't have the right to take anothers life (with lesson 1 being the exception)
5. Toby Maguire is a crappy actor
6. Toby Maguire sucks
7. Kirsten Dunst did better in her classic movie Bring it on
8. If your boyfriend smacks you across the cheek you have to forgive him because he didn't mean to do it, he was being possessed by this other-worldly goo monster. The fact that all the goo monster does is enhance the qualities that are already within the person has nothing to do with it. Forgive him. Your cheek shouldn't have been near his gooey gooey anger.
9. Toby Maguire is a p.o.s. actor
10. God God God
I'd like to describe more of this movie, but I can't. I actually have completely lost interest. All I can say is that at about 7 (movie started at 5:15, I didn't get out of there until 7:45 and the credits had barely started) I started wondering how much longer this movie was going to be because my laundry room closes at 10pm and I had to put in my load before 8. I didn't make it which is why I'm awake now doing wash.
Toby Maguire sucks.
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