Someone in this family sucks. No, it's not the girl even though she posted about her suckiosity. No, the sucky one is #1 who I will now call Nopoc. (number one piece of crap) This past Christmas Nopoc got me a Christmas cd by Jessica Simpson. The album is called "ReJoyce" in honor of her nana who passed. This year, for Nopoc I got him the movie "Titanic" because he said he'd never seen this masterpiece. Nopoc and I made a deal. If he was able to watch the 37 hr film I would liisten to the crappiest cd I own (which has been in it's plastic wrap used as a coaster on my nightstand) I never dreamed that Nopoc would do this. I never thought I'd have to listen to this crap. Unfortunately I got a call today from Nopoc saying that even though he didn't think his heart would actually go on he saw the whole thing. So now I have to listen to this crap. Well, if I have to suffer, I'm bringing everyone down with me so here goes.
1. Let it snow, let it snow-it has a 'jazzy' background with horrible back-up singers. Oh there's a saxophone solo right now and there really shouldn't be one. She sounds mildly constipated. Oh! It's skipping. Maybe the cd's faulty and I won't have to listen to this whole album.
2. The Christmas song (chestnuts roasting on an open fire)-bad opening. Shitty guitar. Pauses that are meant to be poignant, but it just makes her sound as though she's forgotten the words. I really don't think I can go through another 9 songs.
3. Baby it's cold outside-this one is a duet with her now ex-husband, ex-98degrees boy band member Nick Lachey. This promises to be an awesome track. Did I mention that this is one of my favorite winter time songs? I'm 1 min into a 2:49 track, and I've had to pause it because I can't do this. I can't listen to this all the way through. I'm going to watch the Rodney Dangerfield classic "Back to school" while this shit plays. Once again Jessica Simpson has ruined a great song with her awful out of tune voice. Problem is that she recruited another bad singer to help her out. This new version of a great song is making my heart bleed. Oh, it's over.
4. OH HOLY SHIT! I mean Oh Holy NIght- this started as a gospel organy thing. Nope, she's ruined it again with her breathy slightly constipated singing style. Now, in the style of all bad singers she has recruited some gospel sounding singers to back her up and try to make this an authentic churchy song. Why are my ears still attached to my head? I'm going to get a tall glass of chocolate milk. Maybe the gas will distract me from how shitty this is.
5. The little drummer boy-for this one she is doing a duet with her equally talented sister Ashlee Simpson. Breathy, one toe in tune, but the rest of the body doing the lambada in out-of-tune land. Oh, there's a type of South American pan flute crap going on now. It's kind of like Zamfir (master of the pan flute) was shackled to the recording studio and forced to do the most insipid, soulless music ever.
6. I saw mommy kissing santa claus-Oh, this one starts with a preskool big kids piano, and some 'cool' finger snapping. Sort of similar to the snapping in the musical number "When you're a Jet" from "West Side Story" Except bad. Really bad. I don't think she can actually pronounce the word Claus. That makes this song a lot better hearing her butcher Claus. She's almost trying to sound Bjorkish.
Well, I've gotten halfway through in a little under an hour. I had to keep pausing so I could try to find the right implement for causing permanent damage to my ears. I know that this is promising to be the most boring of all of my boring posts, but I care not. I suffer, everyone suffers. Oh look, Antiques Roadshow is on. In Miami. What's older, the things they bring, or the people who bring them. I'm banking on the people. Back to the simpson debacle.
7. What child is this?-I would like to ask what the hell I ever did to Nopoc to make him punish me this way?
8. What Christmas means to me- Unfortunately for me Christmas is starting to mean death, destruction and the willingness to sell me soul to Satan if only this would end. Ooooh. there's an echo machine going on. The kids piano is back. I think it's Fisher-Price, not Playskool.
9. Breath of Heaven (Mary's song)-I can feel myself losing my strength. I didn't know tthat Ms. Simpson was equipped to sing the plight of Mary looking for a place to bear Jesus. I also didn't know that Mary felt scary and alone. I just don't know what this song is really about. Apparently she's asking God to be her lamaaze coach.
10. It's Christmas time again- I'm almost at the end. This sounds a little like "Rocking' around the Christmas tree."" Oh wait a minute, no it doesn't. It sounds like shit.
11. Hark! The herald angels sing (featuring Tye Tribbett and GA)- First off, I have no idea who Tribbett is, but apparently she's also featuring the state of Georgia. Uh oh. They've started out churchy but now they're going to funk it up. I can just tell. Yup, they've brought the funk. This is actually not horrific. It's similar to the Peanuts special when they've decorated the little tree that could and the children are all howling at the tree. Holy Shit! She's breaking it down old black Baptist church style. Someone should've told her that she's insulting black Christian singing ladies. Hardcore.
I'd like to thank you all for bearing with me while I went through this. It was a hard road, but with my faith in self-mutilation I was able to get through it. Nopoc, I hate you for this, and I will make you suffer.
1. Let it snow, let it snow-it has a 'jazzy' background with horrible back-up singers. Oh there's a saxophone solo right now and there really shouldn't be one. She sounds mildly constipated. Oh! It's skipping. Maybe the cd's faulty and I won't have to listen to this whole album.
2. The Christmas song (chestnuts roasting on an open fire)-bad opening. Shitty guitar. Pauses that are meant to be poignant, but it just makes her sound as though she's forgotten the words. I really don't think I can go through another 9 songs.
3. Baby it's cold outside-this one is a duet with her now ex-husband, ex-98degrees boy band member Nick Lachey. This promises to be an awesome track. Did I mention that this is one of my favorite winter time songs? I'm 1 min into a 2:49 track, and I've had to pause it because I can't do this. I can't listen to this all the way through. I'm going to watch the Rodney Dangerfield classic "Back to school" while this shit plays. Once again Jessica Simpson has ruined a great song with her awful out of tune voice. Problem is that she recruited another bad singer to help her out. This new version of a great song is making my heart bleed. Oh, it's over.
4. OH HOLY SHIT! I mean Oh Holy NIght- this started as a gospel organy thing. Nope, she's ruined it again with her breathy slightly constipated singing style. Now, in the style of all bad singers she has recruited some gospel sounding singers to back her up and try to make this an authentic churchy song. Why are my ears still attached to my head? I'm going to get a tall glass of chocolate milk. Maybe the gas will distract me from how shitty this is.
5. The little drummer boy-for this one she is doing a duet with her equally talented sister Ashlee Simpson. Breathy, one toe in tune, but the rest of the body doing the lambada in out-of-tune land. Oh, there's a type of South American pan flute crap going on now. It's kind of like Zamfir (master of the pan flute) was shackled to the recording studio and forced to do the most insipid, soulless music ever.
6. I saw mommy kissing santa claus-Oh, this one starts with a preskool big kids piano, and some 'cool' finger snapping. Sort of similar to the snapping in the musical number "When you're a Jet" from "West Side Story" Except bad. Really bad. I don't think she can actually pronounce the word Claus. That makes this song a lot better hearing her butcher Claus. She's almost trying to sound Bjorkish.
Well, I've gotten halfway through in a little under an hour. I had to keep pausing so I could try to find the right implement for causing permanent damage to my ears. I know that this is promising to be the most boring of all of my boring posts, but I care not. I suffer, everyone suffers. Oh look, Antiques Roadshow is on. In Miami. What's older, the things they bring, or the people who bring them. I'm banking on the people. Back to the simpson debacle.
7. What child is this?-I would like to ask what the hell I ever did to Nopoc to make him punish me this way?
8. What Christmas means to me- Unfortunately for me Christmas is starting to mean death, destruction and the willingness to sell me soul to Satan if only this would end. Ooooh. there's an echo machine going on. The kids piano is back. I think it's Fisher-Price, not Playskool.
9. Breath of Heaven (Mary's song)-I can feel myself losing my strength. I didn't know tthat Ms. Simpson was equipped to sing the plight of Mary looking for a place to bear Jesus. I also didn't know that Mary felt scary and alone. I just don't know what this song is really about. Apparently she's asking God to be her lamaaze coach.
10. It's Christmas time again- I'm almost at the end. This sounds a little like "Rocking' around the Christmas tree."" Oh wait a minute, no it doesn't. It sounds like shit.
11. Hark! The herald angels sing (featuring Tye Tribbett and GA)- First off, I have no idea who Tribbett is, but apparently she's also featuring the state of Georgia. Uh oh. They've started out churchy but now they're going to funk it up. I can just tell. Yup, they've brought the funk. This is actually not horrific. It's similar to the Peanuts special when they've decorated the little tree that could and the children are all howling at the tree. Holy Shit! She's breaking it down old black Baptist church style. Someone should've told her that she's insulting black Christian singing ladies. Hardcore.
I'd like to thank you all for bearing with me while I went through this. It was a hard road, but with my faith in self-mutilation I was able to get through it. Nopoc, I hate you for this, and I will make you suffer.
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