Babies taste good. Really good.

June 09, 2006

The Wounded-Courier:
Coulter Eats Newborn During Book Signing

NEW YORK - Conservative author Ann Coulter, in the midst of her new book tour for Godless: The Church of Liberalism, snatched a mother’s newborn child from her arms last night and swallowed her whole.

Bonnie Seaberg, the mother of six-week old Jennifer, stood in horror as Coulter unhinged her jaw and dropped the infant straight down her gullet. “Yes, I was wearing a ‘Gore in ’08’ button,” Seaberg began, teary-eyed, “but it’s a free country, isn’t it? And that woman, that devil-whore-Nazi-cokehead, spotted me and my little Jenny, stopped reading in mid-sentence, ripped her from my bosom and swallowed her like a grape.”

Coulter, in her defense, says, “Look, every audience member who shows up at my book tour must sign a release form. Okay? It specifically affirms that they are not a liberal, are not having liberal thoughts and are not wearing any liberal paraphernalia. Period. I’m very upfront about that. All right?”

When asked if swallowing a newborn whole was simply another publicity stunt to boost sales of her book, Coulter shrugs off the suggestion. “That’s ridiculous! Another convenient accusation spun out of the law of liberal infallibility. Liberals are never willing to take responsibility for their actions. Look, Mrs. Seaberg accepted the conditions of the release form – in a free society, actions have consequences. And you really think I need to feed on the flesh of small children to sell my books? Didn’t you see me on the Today Show with Matty Lauer? Didn’t you see Hillary Clinton doing a better job than my faggy publicist?” Pausing a moment, she adds, “Besides, I’ll defer to the Jews when it comes to eating the flesh of small children. Historically, they’ve certainly set the benchmark. I’m an amateur.”

Standing before a packed crowd at a luncheon for Mothers Against Swallowing Kids (MASK), Senator Hillary Clinton today responded to Coulter’s ingestion of the infant by saying, “Maybe she should’ve called her book…‘Bottomless.’” The auditorium of mothers held its applause until realizing Clinton had delivered the punch line. Clinton went on to say, “I know what Ann Coulter did to that poor mother’s child was wrong. To treat a defenseless newborn in such a manner is everything I stand against, and everything I will fight to stop.” Asked by a mother in the crowd if she would bring U.S. troops home from Iraq, Clinton replied, “Did I mention how much I’m against that baby-eating thing?”

On her recent dust-up with the 9-11 widows, Coulter, moments after unintentionally causing a puppy to go into cardiac arrest with a side glance, says, “Trust me. They got off light. It’s their husbands that had to pay for their sins. But we already knew that. Ouch. Ka-ching. Can you hear that, ass hound, I just sold another thousand books.” Coulter takes a sip of her sparkling water and then tosses another log on the fire. “Did I mention Holocaust survivors are, like, really whiny. I mean, all right already, you suffered. We get it. Hey, my cable box wasn’t working last night – we all have crosses to bear.”

Defending the choice to invite Coulter onto its program, the Today Show released this statement to the press: “We have a proud tradition of showcasing a range of opinions on our program, from center to the far right of extreme. We intend to continue delivering nothing less to our viewers. And, no, Matt Lauer is not the Anti-Christ.”

Coulter’s grueling book tour, an 18-week-long orgy of odious, illogical and misinformed screeds, has already kicked off a firestorm of sales for the svelte (some might say harrowingly gaunt) diva of dissention. Next up, she’ll be making an appearance in Hades on Roy Cohn, Live from Hell, joining a panel that includes Joseph McCarthy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jim Varney and Vlad the Impaler. From there, Ms. Coulter will be stopping by The View and Good Morning America.

While critics continue to wring their hands that Coulter is given a forum for her brand of in-your-face journalism, she has some words of advice for them. “Don’t hate me because I’m right.”

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